Eros, Storge, Philia and Agape
I cannot work. I've been trying to work for the past several hours, but I've accomplished very little. This is hardly the time to post in my blog considering how close my deadline is. To borrow my boss' words the last time she gave me an extension, "Turn it in by Monday. That's the deadliest deadline!"
"Out of synch," Is what my gut sense is telling me. I am out of balance. Disoriented and out of whack with everything. Gawd, the timing of that neanderthal ex of mine. If only he had the decency to break up with me after Christmas! This whole separation business is so totally frustrating. It's so ahh dagnamagumitt --overwhelmingly negative!
Of course it doesn't help that I saw him in the gym this afternoon. Sigh, he was having a bad hair day. Too sad. For someone so focused on looking good, it is surprising for him to have misfocused on his bad hair. I wanted so badly to tell him to get a haircut soon, but I opted to let him realize on his own that the afro look went out with Macy Gray's last album. Funny how his vanity sometimes gets the better of him. He probably spent too much time polishing his nails and bathing in cologne that he forgot to properly groom his hair. What am I saying?!! Bitterness leave my side!!!
My sincere apologies, dear ex for slandering you in my post. I shall not again let my hurt feelings and anger take control of my actions. That is beneath me. I shall do my best to never allow any more mention of your peculiar grooming habits to stain the sanctity of my blog.
Lord, again I surrender unto you my bitterness and tendency to utter disparaging remarks against my ex. I thought all evil feelings have left my heart, but now I see that I was wrong. Once more, I implore you to take and get rid of these malefic emotions that hound this blood-pump-slash-electric-generator at the center of my chest cavity. Amen.
***
Ah, to be heartbroken. What is a guy to do? I actually believe that I'm almost over him. Or am I? I no longer feel the urge to release saline solution from the lacrimal glands at the inner corners of my eyes. I understand that this could lessen my body's water supply and may possibly contribute to electrolyte imbalance. Moping is no longer fun. It has actually become quite boring. Unloading emotional toxins through conversations with friends now only produces miniscule amounts of mutagenic substances, so unlike the deluge of radioactive matter that I used to deliver over phone chats that easily lasted 5 hours. Binge? Consuming enormous amounts of junk food has never been my style. And I know that eating more than the recommended quantity of my favority fares will only result in heartburn. It is not my wish to experience simultaneous discomfort in my heart and belly.
***
De Mello says that people like me suffer because of society's conditioning machinery. He purports that we are all actually conditioned to suffer when there is absolutely no reason to suffer. Suffering is all in the mind, he says. Alright, so maybe he's right. The problem now is going through the process of deconditioning after all, I do not want to simply recondition myself. I wanna be as God intended me to be. He says in his book that a person has to become 'aware' in order to achieve freedom from conditioning. Easier read than done. Crap.
Oh, think happy thoughts. Hmmm, i should also learn how to distinguish between happy thoughts and kinky thoughts tee hee =P Think WHOLESOME happy thoughts.
***
Greek has words for four kinds of love: Eros a.k.a. sexual love, hence the word erotic. Storge or Philia, which is brotherly love or the love that I feel for my family and friends. And then there is spiritual love, Agape. This is siad to be the love that Jesus had for and gave to mankind. All encompassing and unconditional love. Paulo Coelho describes Agape in his book, "The Pilgrim," as "The love that consumes." How cool is that! To be consumed by the greatest form of love, to be digested, absorbed into, get transmuted and become a part of love, pare =] Just thinking about it is making me smile and feel good. Pare, pa hug =P tee hee
***
I pray that I be granted the grace to experience Agape. Lord, it would be nice if I could experience it right now, during a very trying time of my life. I'd like to know how it feels like to be consumed by love. Maybe if you allow this to happen all the painful and ugly feelings that plague me will be turned to cinders. And perhaps after that is done I can once again have that light feeling in all four valves of my 24/7 pulse-generating muscle.
I stop writing now before I get overly dramatic, which I am prone to when I'm sleepy and frustrated.
Mundane thoughts before bed: I shall rest well, awaken refreshed, work seriously and finish the tasks I have set for today, before my deadline.. on Friday, drats. Squeeze time for lunch, with my friends, and have fun for the duration of, and after, have a good quality workout, to achieve my goal of, having a Mossimo Model Quality body, by summertime. So (please) help me, God! =]
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